Understanding the Egoist
A new day has come. The sun is shining, and I’m ready to roll. Allow me to introduce myself: I’m an egoist with a pinch of egotism.
This morning, I went to the local coffee bar. It’s an electrifying feeling when I walk into a room and all eyes are on me. Naturally, I deserve the attention.
The line for coffee was ridiculously long, so I just skipped it. After all, my time is more precious than others.
With my coffee in hand, I head straight to the office—my stage for perfection. It’s not my fault that I know how to present myself and take all the credit.
As the hours go by, I already feel tired. I will need some relaxation after. To prevent further fatigue, I dropped the kids off with my parents yesterday. If they’re busy (though they shouldn’t be), I’ll tell my husband to take them. After all, I’m the one bringing in more money, and my rest is a priority.
The phone rings at 2 p.m. The message says that a friend needs some help. Hmm, I don’t want to engage because it doesn’t affect me personally. After ten minutes, I eventually replied. I’ll need a favor tomorrow. After a brief chat, we agreed to meet for drinks after work.
I have a business meeting in one hour. Here comes the manager, so I should act nice and compliment his kids. Honestly, I’d rather ignore him until the meeting ends, but he’s the one approving my vacation days next week.
After the company meeting, I worked on a few presentations. It was almost 5 o’clock when I remembered I had to run to the bar to meet a friend. In the hallway, I ran into my favorite colleague, a climbing enthusiast. She invited me for a drink, and I was tempted. Then, I remembered my prior commitment to a friend.
I said yes to a colleague and picked up my phone to message a friend. “Hey, sorry, I can’t leave work; there are too many tasks. Call you later. “After a few drinks, I was thrilled that I didn’t meet a boring friend. After all, I was nice to a colleague, and she paid for my drinks.
On the highway home, I remembered that I hadn’t picked up some groceries for dinner. I messaged my husband, who would do all that for me.
When I got home, there were no groceries in the fridge. I forgot that the husband was at the gym that evening.
Alone and a bit hungry, I shook my head in disbelief. After all, I’ve done today, how could the world betray me like this?”
Evolution of Egoist
From the moment the world has existed, there have been some egoists. In the context of evolution, people had to behave a certain way to survive and reproduce. Imagine you were a hunter in ancient times. You are a group of three men that hunt for food.
In the next moment, a lion appears and attacks your teammate. Your egoistic and survival mind tells you to run away. There is no option to allow yourself to help. You can make a mistake and not survive. This behavior is self-interested and impulsive justified.
By returning to the present time, where we do not need to run away from the lion (except if you work in a zoo), the terms have changed.
Excessive egoism leads to bad behavior in a society where cooperation is necessary. Egoists affect and manipulate individuals strictly for personal gain. Egoism, with a pinch of egotism and lower morals, is an indicator of a person who has not mentally developed. Eventually, every egoistic behavior leads to inequality.
Signs of Egoistic Behaviours
The story from the first paragraph is a mix of real-life egoist behaviors and a good example of egoists in practice.
If you are living among many people, you will immediately remember that one person who has it all.
If you think that the text is nonsense and negative, then you can consider yourself a true egoist.
Honestly, we all sometimes behave with an attitude of an egoist. We live in a modern world, but we have kept some instinctive behaviors from ancient times. Do you remember the last time you manipulated your partner/friend to go where you wanted?
The crucial problem is when someone doesn’t consider how their everyday behaviors affect others.
The basic practical rule of an egoist is to spot and attach to a very nice person, shower her with compliments, and constantly ask for favors. Don’t ask; we all have been the subject of that manipulation.
If you have experience or read the text above, you can spot some of the behaviors of egoism:
- Not respecting basic and cultural norms (e.g., skipping the line, not respecting deadlines)
- High self-esteem and constant seeking of admiration (Although this one is much related to egotism)
- Taking credit and avoiding responsibility (I acknowledge my rights but not my obligations. Delegating obligations to parents, partners, or other persons.)
- Seeking personal benefits in social situations (Going to a drink with a friend for the purpose of asking for a favor)
- Selective kindness and reciprocity (Telling a manager a compliment about his kids. Ditching a friend or relative who does not serve your wishes anymore.)
- Lack of consideration for others (e.g., ditching a previously planned time with a friend for a time with a more interesting colleague, assuming that a partner or parents don’t have anything to do, expecting others to prioritize egoist needs)
- Self-victimization (Egoists see themselves as victims when things don’t go their way. For example, the husband didn’t buy groceries for dinner, as the egoist told him to. In any way, an egoist will not consider that the actual problem is their bad planning.)
How to Deal with an Egoist?
As the years go by, the world (for sure, the part that is not highly egoistic) is constantly trying to figure out how to deal with them. They are in our everyday lives, in offices, politics, schools, coffee bars, gyms, mountains, and homes.
The problem starts when you become aware of their behavior, whether it affects you or others. Egoists usually rely on the social fact that everyone believes: You must do me a favor (every time) now so I can give back to you one day. The reality is cruel. An egoist will rarely do a favor from the heart and without near-future expectations.
Egoists can drag you to the breaking point until you figure out what the problem is. After that, they will ditch you for another person. Egoists can not be stopped because there are many good people in the world. That is their main target.
But like everything, there are some “cures” for dealing with an egoist. Some techniques are practical, others cruel, and sometimes not scientifically approved.
- Setting boundaries. You can set clear limits and behaviors that you will not tolerate. Of course, you will need to say that many times. Do not expect that egoists will remember your words. The reality is that an egoist will ditch you when you bore him with repetition. The goal is to set a distance between you two, not strictly to stop communication.
- Clear communication. Emotional interference is not allowed in communication because of active manipulation. Egoists will use your emotions and personal details against you. Always speak assertively to express your opinions and feelings about something.
- Practice empathy. Do not be cruel to egoists. Always think objectively and with empathy. Egoists are usually people who are not aware of their underlying mental problems. If an egoist causes great damage to his environment, a psychiatrist and treatment are necessary.
- You can not change their behavior. Accept the fact that maybe egoists will stay the same. Your task is to think if the relationship is worth maintaining. It’s okay to distance yourself. If you have a chance, talk to them and suggest they go to a therapy. Eventually, no one is worth your time if they do not contribute to your well-being.
In the concluding section, it is important to discuss some techniques for addressing egoism that are mainly anecdotal but of interest to some. One such technique is participating in an Ayahuasca retreat, which is strictly implemented in certain countries. Ayahuasca is a South American hallucinogenic tea made from a mixture of different plants.
How might this help someone with high egoistic tendencies? The psychedelic effects of Ayahuasca are said to “dissolve” one’s default mode. The default mode is a way we think and behave daily—often associated with our ego. By engaging in this ritual, individuals may experience a high reduction in egocentric thinking.
According to online testimonials, some people report that Ayahuasca allows them to distance themselves from their usual way of thinking. They get the ability to see things from a second or third perspective. This ability to adopt other viewpoints is something that egoists often lack.
This text, informed by my own experiences and those of others who have dealt with egoists, highlights the importance of practical approach to this topic. Such behavior impacts both personal and group dynamics, often posing challenges to well-being and cooperation. Building a more empathetic and committed society begins with individuals reflecting on their actions and behaviors. In the end, every choice that we make has a profound impact on those around us.
