Understanding the Fawner
A new day has come, but last night I could barely sleep. My mind kept circling the same dark thoughts about my life. I feel overwhelmed — by work, by my relationship, by the world itself. I’m scared to be alone, afraid to disappoint someone, scared to be myself. I want everyone to be pleased. If you’re okay, then I’m okay… or at least partly. Let me introduce myself: I’m a fawner with a hint of lie.
This morning I went to the local coffee bar. On my way there, I had trouble finding a parking spot. I didn’t want to be rude or take a place from people who went shopping.
After spending twenty minutes waiting, I finally entered the cafe. I smiled politely at strangers, and suddenly my stomach tightened. I was nervous, but I didn’t say a word when a woman stepped in front of me in line.
With my coffee in hand, I headed straight to the office. In my mind, I kept rehearsing lines about work and deadlines. I tried to look happy and cheerful so my boss wouldn’t notice how unhappy I really am there.
As the hours went by, my inbox overflowed. I wanted to say no to the extra tasks and to colleagues asking for favors, but every time someone approached me, I automatically said:
“Sure, no problem!”
Inside, I was crying and drowning, but on the outside, I stayed smiling.
After all, I can’t risk someone thinking I’m difficult or unhelpful.
At the company meeting, I complimented my boss and presented the project. Even though I completed the work myself, I said it was a team effort. I don’t even like my colleagues that much, but I need to appear like a great worker and a team player.
It was almost 5 o’clock when I packed my things and headed to the door. I was excited to go home, relax, and watch a movie. Then I saw a colleague who invited me for a drink. She looked desperate, and I was afraid to decline. Within a couple of seconds, I just said yes.
I cancelled my workout and my plans to rest, and listened to her troubles for the next two hours. I paid for all the drinks. It wouldn’t be good for her to think I take advantage of anyone — especially someone I work with.
Driving home, I remembered I hadn’t picked up the birthday cake for my husband. I’d been so busy trying to please everyone at work that I forgot what we planned.
Embarrassed, I texted him:
“I’m sorry I forgot our plans. I’ll fix it, don’t worry — I should’ve handled it differently.”
When I arrived home, there were no groceries in the fridge. We had agreed that my husband would do the shopping.
He wasn’t home — he was at the gym.
My heart sank, but I didn’t get angry. Instead, I wondered:
“Did I ask wrong? Was I being too demanding?”
Alone and a bit hungry, I sat in the kitchen, overthinking and blaming myself.
After all, if the world isn’t happy with me… who am I supposed to be?
Evolution of a Fawner
From the moment the world existed, there were always some fawners. In ancient times, people tried to do everything to survive. That also included constantly agreeing and pleasing others.
Imagine a tribe in ancient times. Every tribe needed a powerful leader who would command and organize their life. Among many members, some of them learn that when a leader is angry, people get hurt. So those tribe members start pleasing, doing things without hesitation, and obeying quickly. This type of behaviour works – the leader is calm and doesn’t hurt anyone. And the fawner is born and developed.
By returning to the present time, although we don’t need a tribe to belong somewhere, some of the ancient tribe leaders’ marks are still present. For example, a child grows up with a critical parent, a person works with an egoist colleague, friendships or relatives with a violent established hierarchy, etc. All the examples represent a danger to fawner, whose premise is: “Safety and belonging are important, so I should keep everyone happy. “
Excessive fawning response leads to losing yourself by making yourself overly dependent on validation, emotionally exhausted, exploited, and self-disconnected.
Signs of a Fawner Behaviour
The story from the first paragraph is a mix of real-life fawner behaviours and a good example of fawner in practice.
If you are living among many people, you will remember at least one person who seems like it’s all over the place. That person figures out how to make everything work and makes everyone happy.
If you think that this text is nonsense and that is normal social behaviour, then you can consider yourself a true fawner.
Honestly, we all sometimes behave like a fawner. Do you remember the last time you apologized to someone, even if you didn’t do anything wrong? Or agreed to keep the peace, or did something because it was just expected of you?
The crucial problem is when someone doesn’t know how to differentiate a fawner from a nice person. It is great to apologize, smile, or agree just in situations when that something doesn’t hurt yourself.
The core of fawner is that he believes he is nothing without a group. In practice, identity was punished or ignored when they tried to form it. Their safety depends on other approval, belonging, and acceptance.
If you have experience or have read the text above, you can spot some of the behaviors of fawner:
- Fear of disappointing others and being alone due to constant self-blame.
- Prioritizing others’ needs over personal needs.
- Lying to others by acting cheerful, smiling, and being extremely polite.
- Avoiding conflict, cancelling one’s own plans that could potentially lead to abandonment.
- Difficulty saying no due to a lack of setting healthy boundaries.
- Apologizing excessively, even when not at fault, or over-giving.
- Blaming oneself when others feel disappointed.
- Believing that one’s identity depends on keeping others happy.
How to Be Less Fawning?
As the years go by, people are constantly trying to live with a variety of emotions, which produce certain behaviours. Sometimes they are happy, sad, fawn, egoistic, loud, dark, agreeable, and many more. These are all normal mixes, but the problem starts when some of them begin to have a big influence on our lives.
Fawners only rely on other people’s needs in order to get approval, acceptance, and the right to be something in society. Fawners drag themselves to the point where they don’t know who they are anymore, don’t have a sense of their own emotions and needs, and feel a huge resentment. Safety costs them their authenticity!
But like everything, there are some “cures “for the people who behave like a “doormat “:
- Someone’s worth isn’t earned on other people’s expectations. Worth is internal.
- Ask yourself and connect with your needs. Let the silence speak if the conversation or favor isn’t worth your time.
- Allow others to feel unhappy by allowing yourself to disappoint people. Respect your values and needs. Just let someone be wrong about you.
- Set some boundaries by practising to say “no “. This is such a cliche, but before you jump to help, take a breath and remember your needs. If your stomach tightens or you feel resentful, be fair to say “no” and move on.
- Building authenticity makes one’s identity better. Be honest with yourself about whether it is okay to lie to a close person or a friend.
- Always check whose needs you’re serving and the reason behind them. If you’re not betraying yourself and avoiding conflicts, continue to be cheerful.
- You don’t owe anyone your peace, time, or personality. Even if that is your parent, partner, friend, relative, etc.
It means that you have the right to your opinion, values, feelings, and to be misunderstood.
It is also important to discuss the other techniques of fawner healing, which include psychological sessions. There are many types of therapies, but many of them help us to find safety within ourselves, develop identity, work on past traumas, free ourselves from guilt, and practice boundaries.
In the end, don’t worry! Even if it seems, we don’t give up kindness. Just the part where we forget to hold ourselves tight and kindly.
Read more text at my Substack Profile: Milena
